The second part to my vampire story.?
how does it sound so far? what can i change? PLEASE HELP!!!!
A New Beginning
Overpowering the sky, rays of the sun lighting the city. NYC Asylum and Hospital Center in the core of it all. Vacant walls growing nearer and nearer. Bandages strapped around my waist, up to my chest. Its true were all a little insane, but insanity is just a matter of knowing the truth. An overwhelming pain taking over my mind, vampirism still lurking deep in my veins. Beeping of the heart monitor bouncing off the cushioned walls. Indistinctly remembering electricity jerking through my body, sirens fading in and out. A blur of how I got here. Bright white lights glaring into my eyes, a nurse came in. That desirable scent, so irresistible. Shedding all wires from my body, my canine teeth growing larger, I feasted upon her neck. Her blood so sweet, tinkling down my throat. Grabbing my arm blades, I dashed quickly to the hallway. Watching my step, nobody around, I ran. Darting through the front door, sun beating on my face. Natural reaction, my arms shot up to block the light…no harm to my skin. I stared up at the sun—nothing. Little time to think I just kept running, uncontrollably.
Sun hiding in the wake of the clouds, the smell of rain deep in the air. I needed a drink. An old tavern on the side of the road, it would do. Walking in, people cluttered everywhere, smoke lingering. I sat at one of the bar stools, drinking a cold beer. T.V blaring: Kelly Remings here with you live, some sort of plague taking over once dead corpses, that’s it people, a real life “zombie”
invasion! “Pathetic isn’t it?” announced a voice from the corner. Glancing over, a tall, well shaven man stood there confidently. “Who the hell are you?” I remarked. “Vallen, your Loanna I presume?” Shaking my head, I left to go check out this little “zombie invasion”.
Havoc overflowing the streets of New York. Lifeless bodies spread everywhere. Fire burning from recent car wrecks, windows broken from chaotic outbreaks. A twinge in my stomach. These zombies like creatures so brutal, so insensitive. Stunned, V.E.S patrollers shooting at the heartless beasts. Obviously, they had made a quick recovery at base. Unstoppable, they just kept coming, hundreds, thousands of them. Searching for the source of these animals, I dropped into the sewer. Dirty water drifting under my feet. A foul odor rising from it. Dim lighting, obviously nobody has been down here in years. Noises echoing through the cold walls, I flew to the ground. Double layers of fangs shredding at my face, heavy drool striking my forehead. Blade like claws pinning me down. Reptile like skin, cold and slimy. Forcing all power towards his hollow chest, I struck him—no reaction. Over and over, I kicked and punched. “Down!” yelled a voice. A V.E.S officer swiftly shot two bullets into the monsters head. Its blood spitting at my face. I rolled out of the way before the body dropped dead. Squirming, the body shriveled up into a pile of ash. Looking into the mans eyes, I jumped out of the sewer hole. Surrounded, five of those vampiric corpses circling me. Growling, there piercing white eyes watching my every move. Silence grew upon us, a
shadowy figure hovering in front of the sun. Colossal white feathered, bat-like wings spread across his back. Hands rising in the air, the creature’s combusted to an evaporating mist, one by one. Unable to take my eyes off him, his feet gently touching the ground. The same man from the bar. “V…Vallen, your a…uhhh…an angel?” I stuttered. “Indeed, a Fallen Angel.” As if under some sort of spell, I just watched him. Losing all control, body little by little growing numb. I fainted.
Eyes opening, unaware of my surroundings. Stained glass all around me, weakly lit candles hanging from the cathedral ceilings. Above me stood Vallen, wings gone, eyes golden. “You’re not a vampire anymore, nor human, but a hybrid. With all the powers of a vampire, however only some of the weaknesses. These creatures you encountered, direct children of Dracula himself. When killing him, his blood streamed from the cracks into the graves of past humans. So powerful, they arose from the dead, much stronger than any ordinary vampire. Lacking the intelligence to swarm at our city like this, someone or something has to be behind this, controlling what their actions. Something much greater than anything you have ever faced before.” Vallen directed. “Who could be in control of them?” I questioned. “In all hope this isn’t true, but most likely, the creator of Dracula himself. His superior, Akaira.” Gulped Vallen. Fearful, I wondered“Dracula was the first though, of the vampires?” “First known to man. But Akaira, she was the beginning of it all.” Blankly, I starred through the colored glass. Walking to the balcony, the full moon so close, peering back at me as the eye of god. This sanctuary, deep in the distance of the city. An immense ocean lay beneath me, graceful waves withering away.

thee best story i have ever read in all my life and i read millons of books this is thee best thing i ever read
its really good and has a lot of detail. but i get i bit confused. i like the first paragraph the best, and the story line seems good.
then all of a suden i saw stephenie meyer the whale flying naked in the sky and she all of a sudden is shot by people who have brains. tun tun tuuunnn!! cliff hanger!
It’s very good, I can’t anything to fix! you’re a way better writer then I am! I suck at writting! prehaps you can help me! XD
try asking the writing section or reword your question
I’d change the format a bit, and there are some typo’s and needs for grammatical correction. The basic story line is alright, but most of the detailing is in a listing form that can confuse the reader from the staccato-like beat of it. This seems like a first person view point, but it also seems sort of third person. I’d try smoothing this out too, other than that good job. Keep working at it. =]