How’s the start of my story? Is it over-detailed?
It don’t have a clear idea of where I’m going with this I just know its going to be a romance. Here’s part of the first chapter of my story. I need an opinion? I feel as if its too detailed. I’m 14 (almost 15) BTW.
It was a windy and gloomy Saturday afternoon. I was caught inside wiping down the unused counters. It was such a monotonous job, but it paid well enough for me to save up for a used car sold downtown. Crumbs and specs of food clung onto the surface of the tables. It was disgusting since I detested cleaning up food, actually, I despised cleaning in general.
I switched to the next table as I heard the store’s wind chimes jangle. I turned around to see our new customer. It was a young boy around my age, possibly one or two years older. My eyes examined him, starting from the bottom up. He had black and white checkered slip-on shoes and a pair of navy blue skinny jeans on. He also wore a large, dark grey and neon yellow sweater with a plaid design. The man was dressed in a plain black t-shirt with possibly a design in the top center. I couldn’t see since his sweater was zipped up more than half-way. He had a heart-shaped face, shapely lips, a normal-sized nose, and deep blue, far-seeing eyes that I found hard not to stare into, although, it was hard considering his chocolate-colored covered hair was mostly covering his eyes in a left, side bang direction.
The moment I snapped back to reality I gave off a fake smile and walked over to greet him,
“Hello, I am Kaori. May I direct you to a table, sir?” He just walked pass me and approached the bar where he planted himself on a stool. I thought to myself,
“That was pretty rude of him.” I decided to avoid him for his time being here.
**Sorry if the spelling, pucntion, grammar sucked. Sorry abou the spacing,
his chocolate-colored covered hair
**remove covered!!
oh and its past not pass.
Tagged with: btw • chocolate • crumbs • fake smile • grammar • heart shaped face • job • lips • navy • romance • saturday afternoon • seeing eyes • sized nose • skinny jeans • slip on shoes • spelling • t shirt • yellow sweater
Filed under: Your Community Center
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What happens next!!
hah i liked it
and definetly not too detailed.. the more deatail the better image we get
SPOILER ALERT!!!
The weird looking guy weird girl pants is secretly in love with his chocolate headed friend. He loves the idea of being able to nibble on his lovers belly hair as they watch the View together on lazy weekday afternoons. Neither Chocolate Head nor Girlpants are employed, they think they are in a band, but it’s really just a bunch of hacks who wasted money on guitars and amps and mics because nobody understood them.
Then on one fateful day, jaggnling[sic] through the doors of their local greasy spoon, Count Cocoa Face and Bananapuss are greeted by a young hostess named Kaori. Kaori instantly falls in love with Boogerbreath and keeps it a secret. Doctor Cacao senses something is amiss and thinking he’s doing his lost cause of a friend a favor tries to set "him" up with the friendly staffer. Then, before anything truly romantic can occur, 20 G-men bust down the door of the eatery and arrest the owners for violating child labor laws, because Kaori failed to tell them that she is 14 (almost 15) BTW.