CONTEST: SHORT STORIES opinions?
My library is having a writing contest so far this is what i’ve come up with … how is it?
The chill of winter was set deep into my bones in this strange town of dark. Far longer than a fort night I spent asleep beneath a large oak and still the medieval and ancient feel of the town had not diminished. From this feel, the queasiness in my stomach left me grappling for peace and of course a drink.
I entered a lonesome bar and seated myself by a man, a black cat moping on his lap. The cat twitched its ears, and its yellow eyes were set on me and me only.
From the bar man I requested a large glass of brandy, eagerly awaiting the farmiliar sting to comfort me. Warmed to my toes I closed my eyes, I inhaled the smell of straw and pine. I gulped the last of my drink and twisted my legs beneath the bar tapping the aged wood.
“This contact is illusory. The cat and I are separated as though by a pane of glass, because man lives in time, in successiveness, while the magical animal lives in the present, in the eternity of the instant.”
The South, I knew this quotation as well as if it had been imprinted on my heart. To hear a reference to the “outside world” had been as strange as someone from the outside making a reference to this.
It took only a moment for me to recognize that the harsh voice was coming from the strange man, but I realized his motive and measured my answer carefully.
“The pane of glass is only the separation of reality.” I responded. “The cat may live in the instant but it is only so, for they can afford to make mistakes. Nine chances they have to make their choices and for their eternity they shall live, while we must measure and estimate the consequence of action. One chance we have and one chance only. If we are totally immersed in the moment, we cannot survive for the future.”
He stroked his dimpled chin and eyed me up and down, “then you’re time has come, make use of your one chance.” He arose from the bar stool and limped out the door leaving his pet behind.
The cat leaped down off the stool and flicked its tail in the direction of his master. Its expectant eyes bore into me and I knew I was meant to follow. And follow I did through bush and grime, and stream and rock. Over and under the trees of a forest I climbed, rising and falling under the night sky until finally the cat stopped beneath an arc of trees.
Tagged with: animal lives • bar man • bar stool • black cat • brandy • chill • eternity • harsh voice • large glass • lonesome bar • magical animal • man lives • pane of glass • queasiness • quotation • sting • strange man • strange town • writing contest • yellow eyes
Filed under: Your Community Center
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That’s really good! You have a way with words, keep it up. There are few things I noticed though. It’s already established that the character is sitting beside the man with the cat. So when the quote about the cat comes, it seems obvious that it’s coming from him. Unless the main character’s drunk by that point and doesn’t realize his neighbor had spoken. Also if the cat’s on his lap, what happens when he stands? Does he set it on the bar stool?
Anyway, I love it! You’re very talented, good luck.
It’s quite good but for a story using so much complex language you do use ‘I did this’ ‘I did that quite often. If you write with such complex language you should use suitable grammar to fit it
I like this much, but can’t say much till you write the rest. This much is really good.
You have a poetry to your story that’s rare in writers nowadays. This piece is good; it still needs some work. I didn’t really understand the background to this bit, but the magic is there so don’t change the tome or the setting. Try be a bit more descriptive. Bring out the moods and characters from that.
Double check you word pairings. "Fortnight" and "Barman" are single words.
Beyond that, you’re good to go. Your language is good. Try to remember that while you know the whole story in your head, the reader wont. That way, you wont forget to explain things that might not be very clear for the reader.
I think you have a very unique writing style with you’re grammar usage; it reeled me in right away to the story, which i thought was very interesting as well. Nice work